Life in the Valley

Life is a mix of ups and downs. The landscape will be boring if it were plain all over. That is why God created both the mountains and the deep valleys. Similarly there are high points as well as low points in our life which makes life interesting. Life needs to have a good mix of these contrasts to make the picture of life come alive. I was just thinking of this one year that went by which was a kind of a valley experience for me, ofcourse there were a few mountain top experiences as well that God did give me.

The year began with a sad note of my cousin JP meeting with an accident on the 3rd of January 2012. The next one month was spent in hoping and praying he would recover. He did show progress and regained consciuosness until Feb 7th when his systems began to fail and he went to be with the Lord leaving behind his dear wife Zennet & 2 children Kemuel & Kezia. We could not question God on his decision to take him away. This was followed by the death of Danny my good friend and Anne a dear niece and there was no way we could answer the questions. Only eternity will reveal the answers to these baffling questions of Life and Death.

All through the year one thing I never failed to do was applying for jobs online and otherwise. In most of the cases the answer was predictable. I did go for a few interviews, yet nothing came out positively. These were days I had become familiar with the word "No". Though not so verbally spoken out, this is what they tried to say in every mail notification telling me I haven't been selected for the job I had applied for at that point of time. These were also times when people known for gossip faithfully slandered me to aggravate an already wounded spirit. There were moments spent sitting in the Al Majaz corniche in the early mornings committing all of these to the hands of God and asking God for the right door to open for me. There were also moments where I felt my faith was hitting the rocks. Sometimes these dissappointments made me succumb to my human frailties that were questioning "Where is God?". But with every dissappointment came a quiet assurance which said that the best was yet to come.

The months of February & March saw me going through an unexplainable pain in my ankles. These were days when I was forced to be in bed with my feet elevated and I was unable to walk. These were testing times where I thought the lights were going out on me. But by the end of March I was able to stand to my feet again with my strength regained. I was tested in many ways but I understood that it was a process the Lord was taking me through in order to refine me, break me and remould me so that I can begin to look at things with a new perspective.

I was coming out of these losses when I saw a ray of hope coming in the form of being shortlisted for a position with the same organisation I had worked for 18 years. I was reminded of how I spent my entire youth for this organisation sacrificing precious family time and my physical strength travelling for days on end. There were times I could not be with family and friends on important occassions because I was travelling. There were times when my wife would cry on the other end of the phone and I was stranded somewhere faraway. I did hope that somewhere someone will consider all these years of pain and pick me up for the new job in a new country. Like a shot from the blue comes an email which said it was the end of the road for the process and no reason was given. I was devastated as I was building my dreams and counting on this organization for which I had spent the best years of my life. I didn't want to discount foulplay in the high places. I just asked the Lord to bless them that made it impossible for me.

But God was good as he had other plans which were far better and incomparable (Jer 29:11). The Lord saw it fit to open a door for me for a new job after 15 months. With no man as help, it was the Lord who made a way for me to join a medical university a month ago. It is great to be part of this growing institution and it feels good to be learning new things from the medical field as well as exploring a whole new world of possibilities. Along with this came my driving license after 3 failed attempts which was another triumph. All glory be to God!!!

Altogether, this entire experience was very humbling and an experience of drawing near to God. It made me restart life with a new vision and a new focus. My best moments were spent in "aloneness" with God and His word. God became central to me and His word started to engage with me each day. I began to look inside of me in the light of all that the Lord was speaking to me in order for me to mend my ways and get my spiritual life completely overhauled.

Now I look back and all I can say is...

"Bless the Lord Oh my soul, and all that is within me bless His Holy name,
Bless the Lord Oh my soul, forget not all His benefits."

God bless you!!

Stars in Obscurity.

Music has been an inseparable part of me since childhood. As I grew up I transitioned from Tamil songs (my mother tongue I'm so proud of) to English and from one genre to another, to now find myself listening to a whole lot of them from Tamil Carnatic Classical to Hindustani to Western Classical to Jazz... and I love them all. But the one genre, I've been so intrigued with of late is the folk, combined with the guitar finger-picking. This has been a journey not only  just listening to them but also trying to sing along and perhaps perform some when there was a chance. Somewhere I started to bookmark a few which I could perform and interestingly most of them were not performed by stars who made it big. A couple of them died very young and much before they could realize their dream. I would like to present a few of them in this blog and their songs which I still love. If you are someone with a great following for the big stars then you may not appreciate this. Yet, if you have a soft corner for the unsung stars with real talent who are out of view due to circumstances, then read on!

1. Eva Cassidy - Eva Casidy was a singer, my brother in law Capt.Jonathan Manuel introduced to me a couple of years ago. I fell in love with her voice the first time I heard her sing. Every song was sung so sweetly accompanied by some impeccable finger style guitar playing. She sang from different covers mostly, but sang a version that was uniquely customized to suit her voice, her style of singing and playing. She sang mostly to small gatherings in pubs and coffee houses and was said to be publicity shy. She finally produced her own album and would sell them out of the trunk of her car. She never got signed up by any big record company. Songs like O Danny Boy, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Fields of Gold, What a wonderful world, etc - some very popular hits, were sung to perfection with every note in a very unique way that gave a feel of a very gentle musical breeze and yet so powerfully reverberating.

Destiny had her say 'goodbye' to life at a very early age of 33. Eva Cassidy fought skin cancer and succumbed after suffering for a while. The last time she sang was when she was honoured by her friends for her life when she was given just a few more weeks to live - she sang the Louis Armstrong classic "What a Wonderful World". Five years after her death the United Kingdom woke up to her singing and some of the songs stayed on top of the UK charts for a long time. From there her music became popular throughout Europe and spread around the world upto New Zealand from where I got my copy of her albums.

2. Jim Croce - Another victim of a tragic and unexpected end was Jim Croce. I happened to pick up Jim Croce's album in an obscure record store in the city of Kolkata. Jim Croce took to music at a very young age when he began to play the accordion and moved on to playing the guitar. He never pursued music as a career until a bit later in life when he got the right breaks. Till then he served in the army, worked as a welder and as a trucker for sometime besides playing at small time gigs and bars before the winds of change began to blow. In 1970, he met his good friend Maury Muehleisen who played the lead guitar and sang with him. The music was mostly folk with down to earth themes from everyday life. The speciality of the music was the intricate harmonies of the guitars and the vocals of this duo which sounded so wonderfully unique. Croce had done just 5 studio albums and 11 singles before the tragic air crash in 1973 which ended his life and his just budding career. He was only 30 at the time of his untimely death. I'd like you to listen to this song by Jim Croce "Time in a bottle", which is my all time favourite. This song was written when his wife Ingrid was pregnant with their son A.J.Croce. AJ was born in 1971 and is now an accomplished singer and songwriter as well.

3.Dennison Witmer - Thankfully Witmer is still alive as this is being written. Again another finger picking neo folk and an Indie artist from the USA. This soft spoken singer songwriter has made about 8 albums so far and are not the kind of albums which make it big on the charts. But personally to me, these are excellent works of poetry combined with some beautiful melodies and very simple sounding but complicated finger picking. I happened to get hold of his "Are you a Dreamer?" album and some more 'off the cuff' studio recordings. These sweet melodies are so touching and can make you cry sometimes. These are songs written about a lot of practical life issues and questions which any normal person would have. Some are about values and things which are so essential to live a life of difference. Denison Witmer may not have made it big on the charts but sure has won many hearts like mine who just need songs and music with which to connect to. Denison travels around the world singing his songs in many places in the USA and outside.

In concluding, I want to ask you, 'How 'bout you?' Are you a star shining in obscurity. Are you someone sitting around with a lot of talent and wanting someone to turn the limelights on you. Perhaps you are waiting for a day when you will get the right kind of break to make it big someday. Don't give up! Someday you will make it! Have faith!! I like this verse from scripture which says, "If you believe, you will see the glory of God!" God bless!!!

Don't Quit, It's Just Quicksand!

Recently I read about quicksands and it said that the force required to extract a foot out of the quicksand is 10000 Newtons which equals the force needed to lift an average family car. If such be the force required to rescue, then imagine the plight of the one who gets stuck in it. When every bit of energy is focused towards just one goal of the moment - that of getting out of the quicksand there is nothing else that one can think about. At this difficult moment trying to lift up or pull out the person will only result in the person getting sucked more into the quicksand because of the displacement of sand.

Same is the case in life, when we face the quicksands of a loss of job, loss of a loved one, disappointment in relationships, disease, loss of finance, loss of health etc. When things do not go the way we want, we feel lost, lonely, disappointed and defeated. We feel like a victim of all the woes put together and get into a depression. Well, these are part of life and they come in order to test our mettle. What are we really made up of? Where does our strength lie? When storms blow how do we cope up?

One of my recent disappointments was to know that the one I depended upon was the one who had pulled the rug from under. Looking deeper we observe that often, it is those we have trusted so much who have let us down. Most of the times the ones we know so well are the ones who play games behind our backs to disappoint us. It hurts very deeply to know that someone we thought of as "trustworthy" has broken that trust. We get trapped into a sinkhole of helplessness and look for something that is really trust worthy, truly lasting and unshakable - an anchor that will truly hold.

The good news is, that it is found that one cannot drown in a quick sand though he can be trapped. What is important is, what we do in such times? They say it is the panic and the thrashing that makes us sink. But relaxing, keeping a cool head and spreading our hands and feet helps us to float. In fact they say it is easier to float in a quicksand than in water. All we need to do is "Relax".

Relax and do what? Look beyond yourself. I guess here is where our search needs to be beyond our human paradigms - to the spiritual. God sometimes allows us to go through such situations so that we will just spread out our hands to Him and trust Him solely, and not on any human being. He wants us to just relax in Him, casting every care on Him. God is not a sadist to allow us to get stuck in the slime. But He allows them for us to beware of being earthly minded which can get us into wrong places and such sticky situations. We need to be looking up to the One - our Help in ages past whom we quickly forget and ignore so easily!!

These quick sands can be a call to let go and let God. Casting our cares on Him means throwing them upon Him. Throwing them at His feet and taking our hands off is so important. Only when we take off our hands can God do something to guide us back to the path He set for us. Disappointments are God's appointments. "Quick sands are there to prove His quick hands."

Life - So Fleeting And Yet So Eternal!

I've lost three people who were very close to me since the beginning of this year and what pains me even more is the fact that all three have died young. It was in the month of February that the Lord took away my cousin in a tragic road accident. He was the only son besides two daughters for my uncle and aunt. He left behind his wife and two small children. In the month of March it was my good friend Danny who died while on tour in Indonesia. He is survived by his wife and only daughter. And now, I just received yet another heart breaking news of the demise of a very dear niece who struggled with a rare stem cell disorder for the last 7 years.

I wonder why a person should die so young when she has a whole life ahead of her. I wonder what the purpose of letting someone live all these lovely days in the first place was?...only to be deleted from the rolls of life all of a sudden? Why should the parents of these young ones go through these moments of heartache after having had great dreams for their children?

The only thing I can say at this moment is that our life is not in our hands. We are here today and gone tomorrow. There is no guarantee of staying alive even when all things are going well. This life is so temporal. Nothing that we hold on to is permanent. Our life belongs to the One who gave it to us and only He is constant.

I'm now reflecting as to what my life is all about. What am I doing here on earth? Why was I born? Why have I survived so long? Will it all be over when I breathe last? Is there something beyond the here and now? If there was nothing beyond this life, then the whole point of living is meaningless.

How fleeting is this life and what do we really live for? The Psalmist David says, "Life is but a hand breadth". But yet there is a thread of hope that is woven throughout the Bible that when we come to terms with this very Source of life and place our life in His hands He promises eternal life - life beyond the here and now. This gives us the hope that we will meet them again in eternity.

This is the hope I would like to leave for the bereaved families of my dear ones who have moved on to the world beyond. Dear JP, Danny and Ann girl - you will always be missed :(

Tentacles of Poverty.

Having worked for an international charity for nearly 18 years in India I have had the opportunity of seeing and experiencing poverty in close quarters. I have seen orphaned babies and children, marginalised widows, children rescued from child labour, children malnourished, children dropped out of school, parents unable to pay for their children's medical treatment, children forced to work due to the terminal illness of the father - the bread winner, children addicted to substance abuse, children deserted and lost in the railway station platforms, runaway children, children of life convicts and so on. In a land where we see these evils in a degree much too high, the average Indian has actually become numb to it. 

Living in India working for this charity, exposed me to people living in abstract poverty in the cities as well as in remote areas. During my field visits I came across a variety of impoverished people and I realised that poverty actually comes in different shades and shapes. Some of my experiences are very deeply etched in my heart. It saddens as well as enrages me when I think of some of the inhuman and unjust ways these people are (ill)treated just because, "they are poor". And in a land which boasts about over six decades of independence, democracy and development where the moneyed call the shots, the rich and the unjust rule, these are helpless people looking for a saviour who would stand on their behalf and advocate. The following are a few of the experiences that has impacted me. This is just the Tip of the tip of the iceberg, while the issues and underlying causes go much deeper.

Casteism and the colonies

Traveling in some remote and far flung places of India brought to light this horrendous social evil called "Caste System". This is where people are categorised into a caste hierarchy, which divides them and creates a social class disparity, resulting in a certain class of people branded as "Untouchables". In this very same land of the Mahatma and the Buddha prevails this demonic plague called Untouchability. The backward castes(BC) who are mostly landlords, besides all other upper castes, claim superiority over the scheduled caste(SC) who are the labourers and treat them with no human value. The SCs are unacceptable in society and hence they still live in separate living areas called "colonies" in the rural areas.

In one such place I had visited, I found that the tea shops had separate utensils for the BCs and the SCs. The BC's were served in 'ever-silver' utensils while the SCs were served in 'aluminium' utensils. These low castes were expected to live as slaves for the BCs and the other castes. They were forever to be wage labourers and workers in the field of the BCs who claimed to be the masters forever. The SCs had to purchase from the stores run by the BCs. An SC can never become an entrepreneur of his own as any attempt to get self sufficient will be quelled by the BCs. It is left as "fate" for the SC to live in such inhumane conditions until he dies, while the upper castes play "gods" to be always looked up to.

Child & Bonded Labour

When the poor need money they have to depend on the landlords. Once the money is borrowed and the exorbitant interest becomes too much to repay, the poor are left with no other option but to work for the landlords for generations as a repayment in kind. This leads to the children dropping out of school to work with their parents hoping the repayment will be a little faster. However once the child is out of school it becomes nearly impossible for the child to come back to mainstream education. In extreme cases these children work in the beedi(buckshot) industry, match factories, firework industries, garages and small cafeterias under very difficult and unsafe conditions. Illiteracy, ill health, poverty, debt and bonded labour - they are caught in this vicious cycle of poverty.

Rajnats

This is a community I came across in a state where the elite business community of India hails from. This is a community of people whose women were once the concubines and dancers in the kings' court. They stuck on to this tradition and  never got mainstreamed into society. They eventually resorted to commercial sex-work which later became the only source of livelihood for this community. They live with absolutely no idea of morality. Fidelity and marital faithfulness are unknown concepts to this community where the men - the fathers, the sons and the brothers - act as pimps to their own wives, mothers and sisters. The birth of a female child is celebrated for the prospective income she would bring through the traditional family flesh trade.

Urban poverty

Drought in the rural areas result in rural unemployment and poverty. These poor are forced to move to cities in search of menial jobs for their survival. With heavy influx of people from the villages, the cities have become over crowded. The state is not adequately geared to handle this ever increasing demand for space resulting in slums mushrooming in the cities. Some of these slums are located on pavements, near sewages, garbage dump yards, etc. and people live in the most pathetic places with no hygiene and sanitation. Children living in these circumstances are exposed to maximum risk starting from poor health to the worst crimes and antisocial engagements. These children have seen the roughest side of life and have gone to the extremes to survive and virtually have had their childhood by-passed due to poverty and gone into a premature adulthood.

HIV / AIDS

A young couple I had met in Kolkata during one of the World AIDS Day programs shared with me their experience. The man used to be a driver in a company. One fine day he met with an accident which critically injured him to the point where he could not go back to work. He tried for other jobs and found no way out. His wife became pregnant and soon gave birth to a baby girl. With the number of mouths to feed increasing and with no income, a neighbour lured his wife into the flesh trade for some income. There was little relieif financially, however, it was only shortlived. They had a crisis in their health. They began falling sick frequently. When they eventually went for medical treatment it was detected that both of them had contracted HIV. This shattered their lives and took their life on a tailspin to disaster. They found support and help from "+ve Network" a group of HIV +ve people whose vision was to raise HIV/AIDS awareness. The way they narrated their story to the people as part of AIDS awareness moved many to tears. Their story of difficulty, conflict, sorrow, social discrimination and deteriorating health was too painful to hear. As I am writing this, I am not sure if this couple is still alive and I'm wondering what has happened to their little daughter who was innocently playing as their parents narrated their story of misfortune.

The suffering of the poor in India is too difficult to be described but a first hand experience of witnessing it is what will give us an idea of poverty. But to the one who is actually experiencing it, it is an even more difficult ordeal each day. With the economic crisis and inflation compounded by insensitive and corrupt governance, it only adds to the woes of the Indian poor.

...And now, years have gone by and having come here to the UAE and a little out of touch with the once familiar context, I do feel like a fish out of water. In stark contrast, I see this Middle Eastern nation in all it's splendour and glory with all the high rise structures, some of which are displays of their superiority. I see children here growing up with such apathy, arrogance, ignorance and indifference towards poverty. I am not sure if an average NRI would get to really understand the weight of the social issues facing our great Indian nation.It's mostly pursuit of wealth, power and pleasure that I see around me and I wish those who read this blog would soften their hearts and consider reaching out and helping someone out there to find hope and life back in India.

After all don't we take pride in saying "Hamara Bharat Mahan!"

For my Mom!

As I begin to write this, I am reminded of a famous song by Jimmy Osmond which I'd listened to as a boy on the radio. He had sung sometime way back in the 60's, a song called "Mother of Mine". Mothers are precious and there can be no words to express our gratitude for all they have done. As the world observed the Mother's Day I spent the day thinking of all that my mother means to me.


Difficult childbirth - My birth was difficult and sudden. I was born fourth and the youngest, premature at just over 7 months. My condition was so bad that my father was not allowed to even see me for nearly a week. My parents were not that educated, rich or influential to find out from the doctor, the medical details of my condition. They say that I looked a little larger than a "Barbie doll". I had tiny hands and tiny feet and my mother recalls her first prayer for me. She had prayed, "Lord, I wish you help my child live, and if he lives, help him to live long and well". And so here I am still alive and I owe it to Mom's first prayer.

Bible Stories - As I was growing up she would sit me down as she worked in the kitchen and keep me engaged with her Bible stories that she would narrate so beautifully. All characters starting from Noah, Joseph, Samuel, David, Daniel, Samson from the Old Testament to the prodigal in the New Testament came alive as she narrated. I would make her repeat the stories and she would only be glad to do so 'one more time!'. Whatever little knowledge I have of the Bible now, I owe it to Mom.

Sickness - As difficult as my birth, was my childhood as I would fall sick very frequently. I grew up battling sinusitis and asthma for many years. The asthma attacks occurred mostly in the nights or the wee hours when everyone was fast asleep. Hence I would try to resist my cough for fear of waking someone up. But somehow I would always find Mom always beside me by the time I had coughed thrice. While I sat on a couch propped with cushions, she would sit beside me,  sacrificing her sleep, nursing me through the night. She never slept till I slept. If I can breathe well now I owe it to Mom.

Patience - When I reached adolescence, like every boy, I became rebellious. I did everything my parents disliked; I would play my music loud while Mom would want some silence. In spite of everything she did for me, my efforts to help her were not as much. She patiently put up with me through all my rebellion and disobedience. She would stay awake until I got back home, sometimes very late. To me she is a tower of patience. She never gave up on me. Times changed and when I came to my senses I felt so bad for those moments when I had slighted her. Nevertheless, a mother's heart always goes out for her child and Mom was no different. She has always waited for me patiently. Now with distance separating us, going home has become less frequent, so when I call her she always asks me, "When are you coming home?" She still waits for me. If you found a little patience in me I owe it all to Mom.

Strong hands - Mom grew up in tough circumstances which made her develop a die hard attitude to life in the face of tough times. She is always determined  and never wastes her time. She works hard with her hands and I know she has strong hands. Never have I seen her idling her time away. If ever she took some rest it was a short nap while seated in her chair, after everyone had had their lunch. If I have a little bit of determination to face life in spite of adversity, I owe it all to Mom.

Praying - Most of all she was a praying mother. Before everyone is awake she is up and on her knees. I can say this with confidence that not a day has she failed to pray for me and I know she will always. It started at that difficult moment of my birth and it has continued ever since. I know I can face each day with confidence knowing that Mom has remembered me in her prayers. If you have known me as someone prayerful, I owe it all to Mom.

Mom may not be a perfect person. But, to me she will always be precious and I love her more than I can say. Mother of mine, stay blessed always and there is no way I can repay your love for me which is priceless.

Ma, I love you very dearly and pray that the Lord will grant you long life and good health!!!

Sound of Silence!

I opened my balcony early one winter morning and all I could hear was the noise of rubber on the road coming from the endless procession of motor cars and the humming of the air-cons kept on top of the buildings around me. I could faintly hear from a distance the song of a bird, but how I wished I could drown all the other noises to just hear that bird.

Then I realised how we have complicated our lives to such an extent with such noise and clamor that we can't even hear a sweet song of a bird. There are plenty of sparrows that keep chirping happily around me and some birds colourful and sweet sounding, gently tweeting their gratitude for another new dawn. Nature by itself is a refresher that hardly seems to get noticed and no wonder we are always weary.


We've made our worlds to get noisier by the day - noisy mobile phones, noisy vehicles, noisy machinery, noisy music and eventually we have become noisy people as well. Everything around us seems to be screaming for our attention that we have no time for a silent retreat within ourself. Our lives are filled with noise and confusion.

Silence is a healer - when relationships are fractured, it is silence that bandages the wound to provide healing. Our outbursts of anger and bitterness only leads to endless arguments and higher and thicker dividing walls. It is in silence we can find our Comforter. Not in the fire, not in the earthquake and not in the storm. But in the stillness is when you hear His gentle whisper. The knowledge and experience of a higher connection with the comforter & pacifier, the truth, is essential to find our comfort at such turbulent times. It is this "silent" mode that paves way for forgiveness and healing.

There is an old adage which says," You cannot fish when the water is muddy". In other words one has to wait patiently for the mud to settle down so that the water gets clearer to fish in it. You cannot see clearly when the winds are blowing. Outside I see the dust rising up and filling the air, which happens often during these times in the UAE. I cannot see the blue skies till this dust settles down. Waiting in silence helps us to arrive at our next course of action. It is in these moments of silence and restful composure one can make the best of decisions.

Silence is what helps us to tune to the God station - God says," Be still and know that I am God" (Ps 46:10). Our running about in utter restlessness, our toil and the gripping anxiety along with a faithless fear of the unknown, only clouds our thinking and drowns the gentle voice of God resulting in a sustained feeling of lostness that seems so overwhelming.

Taking time out in silence and quiet reflection, reviewing our course, asking God for direction and help for course correction is critical for our journey to be filled with hope!!

Peace be still!!